Men are better shoppers than women. They are decisive, efficient and quick. They go in, get what they want; get out and go for a movie at The Cathay.

They're rather like a special military task force except they do not kill anyone unless someone cuts the queue.

Women, on the other hand, procrastinate. They prefer to mull over options, choices, prices, location and service.

At every Great Singapore Sale (GSS), my wife usually finds what she's looking for quickly. She picks up a reduced item in a store in Orchard Road or Toa Payoh that ticks every box and pulls all the right purse strings.

Does she buy it? Of course not. She could find it elsewhere at a greater discount.

So she meanders around another 27 shops just in case the item is 50 cents cheaper elsewhere or comes in a lighter colour.

"Why don't you buy this shirt?" I cry. "It's what you wanted."

"It could be cheaper somewhere else," she replies.

"It's cheap here."

"There might be a better colour elsewhere."

"It's purple. You wanted it in purple and it's purple."

"Ah, but there might be a better purple elsewhere."

Apparently, there is purple and then there is purple.

Finally after dragging me around those 27 shops, taking in Toa Payoh, Bishan and every shop between Tanglin Road and City Hall, she makes a decision.

She goes back and buys the original item from the first store.

When this happens, it becomes exceedingly difficult not to grab the purple shirt and tie her to the nearest GSS banner.

If guys are going to survive the upcoming GSS, they are going to need a survival guide.

1) Be patient.
Your partner will not shop like you. She will not get it over with quickly. There are a couple of activities in a relationship where the woman prefers to take her time and the man likes to get it over with quickly - and shopping is one of them. (We won't go into the other one) So be patient, pop in the Apple store and download some tunes and whistle while your partner works.

2)  Don't be shocked by the fondling.
Women fondle things. My wife has fondled everything from trousers to men's boxer shorts. Sadly, I wasn't wearing either of them at the time. They were reduced items in the GSS. But my wife will touch, feel, grope, rub, fondle and squeeze discounted items at any outlet. Women's slippers, children's whiteboards, colouring books, bags of rice and leopard-skinned lampshade: she has examined the texture of all of them. I once watched her caress a roof rack for a car in an auto accessories store. We didn't need a roof rack at the time. We didn't even own a car. So if you can't beat them, join them. Have a squeeze and a feel of the men's magazines in Borders. They've got the best selection and Borders staff do not stare when you fondle their magazines.  

3) Examine the floor plan and layout of each department store with military precision.
This survival tip is a gem for two reasons. First, you can innocently kiss your partner on the cheek and say, "you know those authors you like - Jodi Picoult and Neil Humphreys - why not go and buy their new books in Kinokuniya. It's on the third floor. Don't worry about me. I'll find something to amuse myself." Stunned by your selflessness, your partner will sub-consciously chalk up several points in your plus column. Meanwhile, and this is the best bit, you can while away a pleasant half an hour in the golf store beside Kinokuniya. When your wife eventually finds you working on your backswing, simply feign surprise and say, "it's amazing, darling. I didn't even know this shop was here." This also works for the boutiques in the Heeren (where you can hide in HMV, which has great DVD sales) and the City Hall City Link (Adidas store) and The Cathay (Gramophone). 

4) Insist on a shopping mall with a decent food court.
Refueling is essential on these expeditions and the food court is the one outlet during the GSS where your partner will not visit 27 chicken stalls before dragging you back to the first chicken rice stall in Toa Payoh because the boiled chicken was a slightly brighter white. The food court in Lucky Plaza is cheap and offers plenty of choice and it's close to Borders.

5) Remember, the GSS is a marathon, not a sprint.
Always check the dates of the GSS and be prepared. Accept the fact that you will do all of the above on a Saturday. And then you'll wake up on Sunday and do it all again. So bring your iPod and occupy your time with new downloads on every trip. The GSS is like Groundhog Day. You won't bump into Bill Murray, but you may see the same sales staff and that purple shirt over and over again.

Author/columnist Neil Humphreys has written five books and his latest - Complete Notes From Singapore and Be My Baby - make great GSS bargains.